The bedrock of a harmonious family unit, characterized by its cohesive existence, rests upon three foundational principles:(1) unconditional and unwavering mutual respect (2) equality in terms of mutually empathetic care and (3) willingness to provide rightful support to one another.
As family members grow and become mature, their need for self-expression increases, encompassing both physical (spatial and resource-related) and emotional or relationship dimensions. This inclination may arise due to the mounting activities revolving around them, necessitating more touchpoints for discussions and interactions. The relationships and communication between them, become more multi-purpose (complex), interactive and intense. It could also stem from the realization that, with growth, more pivotal and individual decisions are at stake but these decisions may profoundly influence other. These decisions become complex as they extend beyond the trivial matters like decisions about selecting a school or college or a movie or a restaurant and start delving into weightier considerations such as life, companions, business investments, asset management, and need intelligence and ethical value system, for systematically resolving conflicts between them.
The family converges within a shared dwelling, the cohesiveness of which is shaped by the unit’s resourcefulness. As it progresses, it naturally seeks increased resources, space, seclusion, autonomy, and exclusiveness. However, if the physical space or the concept of exclusivity is heedlessly trespassed upon through unilaterally weighted decisions that prioritize one individual’s desires or emotions over another’s, it has the potential to hinder the advancement and psychological growth of one member. This situation arises when one member capitalizes unfairly on the vulnerabilities of another—perhaps because of their age, decisiveness, sensitivity, or nurturing disposition. Gradually, an imbalance may emerge wherein one family member, who is comparatively more sensitive individual (less resourceful or more dependent), starts to get under undue dominance of others, altering the dynamics of the relationship. This inequality in how sensitivities are treated within the family dynamics signify how healthy the unit can y stay unified.
The inequality in addressing each other other’s vulnerabilities or demand or issues is acceptable if it is founded in a mutual respect and sensitivity to one another’s needs, rather than originating exclusively from the asymmetrical command and control over the limited resources, at any given time. Resourcefulness tends to evolve over time, influenced by factors such as increasing earnings as more family members contribute or the primary earner’s growing income. Even if the trajectory of resourcefulness is heading downwards at times, leading to reduced resources – financial or otherwise, a family can still sustain its unity if an environment of unconditional respect and equal sensitivity prevails. The core principle should be that no individual’s needs perpetually supersede another’s, nor should dominance be exercised without regard for the legitimate needs of others.
Imagine a scenario where two family members have their separate spaces for functioning. However, one of them consistently exerts dominance over the other, continually intruding into the latter’s personal spaces and privacy without seeking permission. These intrusions are made unilaterally, driven by the dominating individual’s behavior. The more sensitive member might tolerate this dominant behavior initially, although it subtly conveys that such behavior is unwelcome and should not recur. Despite these gentle expressions of discontent and feedback, the dominant behavior persists and repeats.
This consistent repetition of the dominating behavior has a detrimental impact on the relationship between these two individuals, leading to degradation on two fronts. Firstly, the person in the dominant role starts taking the other person’s emotions and sensitivities for granted. Secondly, the individual who is silenced and unheard begins to be perceived as weak, lacking sensitivity, and undeserving of respect. Consequently, as the continuous feedback and requests go ignored, the individual who feels sidelined will eventually reach a point where they become forceful and outspoken. This shift in behavior stems from the hope that through a loud outburst, their feelings and concerns will finally receive the attention they deserve.
At any given juncture, if the less assertive individual (one who is sensitive or emotional) remains quiet, it does not necessarily signify contentment with the prevailing dominant behavior. This person might not consistently exhibit loudness or aggressiveness. In certain instances, they may view the other person’s dominance as something they can endure within their tolerance threshold. Alternatively, this individual might actively work on cultivating tolerance, hoping that the dominating person will eventually transform for the better, either through their own accord or over time.
When individual sensitivities are treated unequally and respect fades away from the relationship, the dearth of resources can trigger a potent negative compounding effect on both parties involved. Daily existence can transform into a distressing ordeal, particularly for those who have consistently demonstrated care and sensitivity. This holds true for those who continually surrender their personal space, extend forgiveness, and offer understanding. These individuals are taken for granted, and their contributions become conditional, corroding the very essence of respect within the family dynamic. The relationship is left bereft of its intrinsic value. Even the fundamental roles within the family, such as that of a “father,” lose their inherent respect. Love, affection, and protection similarly transform into conditional aspects, inflicting the greatest deprivation upon the weaker, sensitive member of the family.
Family relationships metamorphose into something like a commercial or corporate structure, adorned with superficial labels and taglines (of relationships and significance for each other as team but each one is separate part in the system and easily disposable). Imagine a scenario where family members resort to written communication, as listening and direct conversations are no longer feasible due to the absence of mutual respect. They can no longer converse openly or honestly. Instead, they resort to loud confrontations, challenging decisions before guests, domestic staff, or helpers. Sarcasm replaces sincerity in interactions with relatives or neighbors. Tolerance dwindles, and relationships become transactional and strained. The family, in such circumstances, loses its equilibrium and unity. It disintegrates, shedding the rhythm of a harmonious whole. It morphs into a gathering of individuals embroiled in daily conflicts over minor matters due to their growing intolerance towards one another. Trust and faith in each other wane, and the sensitive member, already in a weaker position, experiences fear of being further harmed by the dominant attitude. This sentiment is profoundly distressing within a family context, and it’s something no one, particularly those who are vulnerable and sensitive, would wish to experience.
Now consider a situation in which the dominating and insensitive individual not only consistently robs the other member of their rightful space but also dismisses or suppresses their feedback and voice. To compound matters, this dominant individual unilaterally introduces an outsider to share the space. This act not only unilaterally deprives the other person but also brings an external party into the space without seeking consent, even if it’s intended to be temporary. Under such circumstances, the relationship is irreversibly shattered. The subdued individual is pushed towards isolation and aggression, inevitably becoming a subject of mockery if they allow this situation to persist. Their only recourse to make their suffering apparent is to elevate their vocal tone. Unfortunately, this intensifies the perception of their torment and may lead others to consider them as failures, rendering their efforts and contributions worthless.
The extent of the aftermath depends on the extent to which the three foundational principles are violated and exploited. The more sensitive individual might contemplate whether the situation falls within their tolerance threshold, akin to earlier episodes in the past, and perhaps blame themselves for reacting assertively yet again if this response becomes recurrent. Alternatively, they might delve into the true underlying reasons behind the family member’s behavior, making an earnest effort to eliminate the triggers of such outbursts and undesirable emotions. This course of action would involve reinstating all three principles, with unconditional respect for each other being of utmost importance. The aim would be to create an environment where no member is compelled to prove their identity as a son, father, mother, or spouse and where relationships are not subjected to such harmful dynamics
In my view, a true indication of vulnerability emerges when individuals, whether sensitive or not, begin to lose the determination to take necessary corrective actions and cease allowing others to take advantage of them. They should have a clear vision of the required changes and what is right, making time a priority to address the issues instead of adopting a perpetual “victim” stance. It’s important to clarify that sensitivity is not a weakness; in fact, it’s a strength. The real weakness lies in being taken for granted by others, displaying a lack of initiative and determination to assume control over situations with a sense of urgency and empathy. Weakness involves continually playing the role of a victim, dwelling on the past rather than forging ahead in time and taking positive steps to rectify and improve matters.
Taking control, especially when relationships have been deteriorating and values are fading, becomes essential sooner or later. The so-called sensitive person, often perceived as weaker, must make tough decisions in their life. They can rise, reclaim their space, and put an end to free access by asserting clear boundaries, even resorting to formal documentation if necessary, to bring about the desired change for the future. This action sends a resolute message about the infringement of their tolerance and sensitivity by others.
Beyond a certain point, it becomes a matter of survival. The weaker party does not intend to surrender to despair, resort to drastic measures, or exit. Yet, they might inadvertently play the victim card, rather than taking responsibility for their own happiness and life. Teaching our children, especially our daughters, to be brave is crucial. They should learn how to exhibit courage instead of striving for perfection and obedience in the face of insensitivity and disrespect. It’s important to remember that without unconditional respect for each other, a family ceases to exist; it becomes merely a group of individuals sharing a roof.
The question arises: Who emerges victorious in such a scenario? Is it the weaker yet caring individual or the one who assumes dominance through insensitivity? Ultimately, truth and goodness will triumph over negativity and malevolence. But to reach that point, one must exhibit bravery and resist allowing the dominant member to overpower them to the extent of self-depletion.
Parents face a multitude of challenges when they are tasked with not only reinstating the three fundamental principles within their own sphere but also safeguarding against exploitation from others within the family. In the context of a joint family, the involvement of grandparents could serve as a mediator to foster respect for personal spaces, sensitivities, and both financial and non-financial resources, ensuring collective growth and structure. The encroachment on physical spaces can subsequently translate into a loss of control or an invasion of mental spaces. The very home that was conceived as a sanctuary for unconditional respect, love, affection, and protection for the more vulnerable or disadvantaged members can paradoxically become a place of daily agony, resembling a mental or physical confinement.
The situation becomes even more distressing when those who ought to be more caring or have themselves deprived others of respect, sensitivity, and resources, shift blame onto the impacted party. When relationships degrade to the point of such harmful dynamics, the family effectively ceases to be a family, as it abandons the foundational principles that should be integral to its value system. This phenomenon mirrors historical examples where divided nations lose their unity over time due to internal conflicts. These three principles hold true not just for families but also for communities, cities, states, nations, and even the global community. Their implementation begins at home, within the smallest unit where individuals learn to coexist harmoniously. The strength of a nation is truly determined by the collective strength of its families, all founded on these same three principles.
To safeguard family life built on the three pillars of respect, sensitivity, and resourcefulness from potential harm or disruption caused by internal and external factors, there are several strategies that can be employed:
Establish Clear Unwritten Rules: Formulate well-defined rules that encompass the principles of respect, sensitivity, and resourcefulness. These rules should be thoroughly thought through, articulated, practiced and communicated time to time, to all family members. Just as in sports or a nation’s constitution, these rules provide a foundation for the mutual understanding and collaboration at home!.
Back Rules with Responsive Action: It’s essential that these rules are not just theoretical but are backed by practical implementation. Ensure that the rules are enforced consistently to prevent any deviations from the desired behavior and to address any issues promptly. Set example, talk about such situations and stories!
Strengthen Family Unity: Encourage unity among family members by fostering a shared understanding of the importance of these principles. A unified family stands strong against external and internal challenges.
Adapt Rules as Needed: Recognize that the circumstances may change over time, and as family dynamics evolve, the rules might need to be adjusted. This could involve making rules stricter, relaxing them, or even discarding certain rules that are no longer relevant. Parents and elders in the family should lead by example, consistently demonstrating the respect, sensitivity, and resourcefulness they expect from others.
Prevent Unconditional Dominance: Be cautious that the rules themselves do not inadvertently become tools for unconditional dominance over others. The aim is to establish guidelines that promote freedom, self-expression, harmony and respect, not to enforce control.
Empower Family Members: As family members grow in their intellectual and emotional capacities, involve them in the process of refining the rulebook. Encourage them to contribute their insights and perspectives to create rules that resonate with everyone’s needs and values.
Encourage Open Communication: Foster an environment where family members feel comfortable discussing their thoughts, concerns, and suggestions regarding the established rules. Open dialogue can lead to a better understanding of each other’s perspectives and a more inclusive rule-setting process.
Focus on Collective Growth: Emphasize that the purpose of these rules is to ensure the collective growth and well-being of the family. Remind family members that adhering to these principles benefits everyone in the long run.
Be Flexible and Evolve: Family dynamics are not static, and as such, the rules should be adaptable to changing circumstances. Embrace change and be willing to evolve the rules as needed to maintain harmony and balance.
I had the privilege of studying in a Kendriya Vidyalayas (KVs), mostly in Delhi and Mumbai. I thoroughly enjoyed my childhood days. After completing my post-graduation, I had to relocate, for the first employment at Chennai. I relocated again, this time to Bangalore, to make it a permanent place of residence. Building a home and continuing the family traditions to the next generation is always like a dream, and it becomes a reality with a companion in life, followed by children. The work then is not just a means of earning a living; it starts shaping a new life all together. I allocated whatever portion of my time to the family, that I could, while striking a balance between professional and personal responsibilities.
I believe that a strong relationship relies on a foundation of mutual trust and respect, accompanied by open sharing, effective communication, and selfless giving and forgiving. If you find it challenging to express your emotions honestly and openly, you are bound to face challenges. Developing the ability to communicate and convey feelings within personal relationships equips you with valuable skills for harmonious interactions at workplace as well. They get intertwined. A healthy home not only enhances satisfaction in personal life but also contributes to the professional success. Therefore, the effort invested in cultivating a joyful home is truly essential for life and earning a living. If multiple people are working under a single roof, achieving a balance between work and personal life, along with fostering a democratic mindset centered on equality of purpose with an unwritten acknowledgment of each other’s individual aspirations is pivotal for peace and harmony in a life. Upholding respect for each other’s viewpoints and life philosophies contributes to making sound decisions in various aspects of life. This holds true for shared responsibilities and common decisions pertaining to the immediate family.
As time elapses, age triggers shifts in health and fitness needs. This necessitates dietary modifications and fitness routines as overlooking health impacts both work and relationships. The attention can shift from the established home towards the soul’s next destination, entrusting traditions to the next generation. Adapting to life’s changes while upholding principles becomes paramount.
